AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[doubleppk]

aldkjaslkjdalkjdslkjadlakjslkjd

Gnome.

Attacked me.

DAMN IT! I told them it was dangerous but did they listen!?!? NO! FUCK. Why couldn't they take it with them?!?! SOMEONE HELP!

I'm in the closet.


... In other news. We have a helicoptor?!? WHAT?! Does ANYONE here know when/how we got it? The notes say it's in disrepair. I'll have to take a look at this. When the fucking creepy gnome with a KNIFE isn't trying to chop my head off!

Lawn gnomes are evil. Anyone not on the sub know about this? Or how to get rid of it??? Or something?!?!

Comments

[doubleppk]

.................

....

I'm... sorry? What the....

Are you going to try to kill me too?!

[turnipsmeister.livejournal.com]

Hmm, well I might just do that, my temper has been unpredictable of late. Why only last week I opened my door to find a griffon munching on my prized turnip patch and knocked the thign flat with a hoe, of course the fact that Uncle Scratchy was attached to the other end could have something to do with that.

[doubleppk]

What? A griffon? Why? I've always wanted a griffon... Uncle Scratchy was attached to the hoe.... The fuck?

[turnipsmeister.livejournal.com]

Now now girl, language. Why if one of my nephews or nieces had a mouth like that I would take them across my knee, but I suppose you're a mite too big for that. Why that reminds me of my distant half fifth cousin six times removed, he made a killing in the fetish business selling to followers of Loviatar. A sterling businessman that Jansen, invented an automated steam powered spanker for oversized clientele. The poor man shouldn't have tried his own merchandise though, the off switch was just too far away for the recipient to use himself.

[doubleppk]

First off honey, I don't take spankings, I kick. Secondly, I'm an adult, I'll speak how I choose. Thirdly... You have... an... insane family. Also. Who is Loviatar and why his/her followers have fetish kinks?

[turnipsmeister.livejournal.com]

Ah Loviatar, the Maiden of Pain. Uncle Spanky didn't stand a chance.

[doubleppk]

Uncle Spanky? Why am I not surprised. So she was a madame in the dominatrix sense?

[turnipsmeister.livejournal.com]

Why she is the Goddess of Pain and Suffering, also the patron of people of that persuasion yes. Poor Uncle Spanky had a history of driving his cart when under the infulence of turnips, so we shouldn't have been surprised when that carried over when he invented the Janesen Patented Planar Transit Mobile Vehicle. See, he went on a weekend turnip binge at Uncle Scratchy's house and then got behind the stick. Well, he woke up tied down in the Abyss with Loviatar behind his stick.

[doubleppk]

Goddess? I wasn't aware turnips could have some sort of negative impairing influence. And... wow... just... wow.

Fujiko Mine. And if you don't mind my asking, who are you, where did you come from and did you say you're a gnome?

[turnipsmeister.livejournal.com]

Young lady, I am not just a gnome; I am quintessential example of the gnomish people, mindset, and inventive merchandism. Jan Jansen is my name, and I am a turnip peddlar and tinkerer of miscallaneous objects by trade.

[doubleppk]

Oh. Ah... nice to meet you Mr. Jansen? You peddle... turnips? Really?

[turnipsmeister.livejournal.com]

Why yes. There are few careers so satisfying as bringing the humble turnip to the starving masses for decent prices factoring in current economic climate plus commission.

[doubleppk]

... Really?

What does that pay these days?

[turnipsmeister.livejournal.com]

Oh I am self employed, I've always been of the entrepreneurial persuasion. Currently I am extending my market to this here vicinity of Grand Line due to unforseen and absolutely unfounded rumours of tax evasion, grand theft gem stone, fraud, and drunken and disorderly behaviour in public whilst singing lewd songs about turnips. The cheek! As if I would dishonour the Jansen name by slurring the goodly nature of the turnip!

[doubleppk]

Grand theft gem huh?

... I honestly can't figure out how one could HAVE lewd songs about turnips.

[turnipsmeister.livejournal.com]

Young lady, there is no way a goodly turnip would debase itself so to lend its name to anything like that. Well, the Overturnip might, but that thing is barely even a turnip anymore.

[doubleppk]

The... what?

And hey! Don't evade me on the gem thing! Damn it.

[turnipsmeister.livejournal.com]

Gem thing? What gem thing? If you're having hallucinations I think you should lie down and have a drink of water.

[doubleppk]

But you just...

Very well then.

So Mr. Jansen. As you seem to be in the... ah... turnip... peddling... "business" with a many additional side-hobbies, would you be interested in setting up shop with our sub? We have a greenhouse in progress. You could even grow your "turnips".

[turnipsmeister.livejournal.com]

We-ell that sure is a might tempting offer there Fudgey, but I've got my own little establishment on my own dear vessel. I'd sure like to come aboard though, I'd bring Turnip Shakes for all and sundry of course.

[doubleppk]

Turnip shakes... Yeah sure... of course. Uh. Don't mention any of the things you're on the run for to the Justice Brigade. Just stick with the lewd songs story.

[turnipsmeister.livejournal.com]

On the run? Why my dear Fudgey, who said I was on the run?

[doubleppk]

Right. Stick with that. ^_^

.........

You're not some crazy necromancer with a killing addiction are you?

[turnipsmeister.livejournal.com]

My dear, nothing could be further from the truth. I am an illusionist, I can't cast necromancy. Not that anyone would want to, necromancers are nearly all evil turnip hating scum. I think one of my great greant aunts was a necromancer, but we don't talk about it much, not after the undead turnip riots of '73.

[doubleppk]

....

You know normally when I ask that question people just STARE at me. Sometimes make awkward jokes to ease the tension, that sort of thing... Did I mention that I like you? So what kind of illusions can you do? Turnips I take it? But then why would anyone want to illusion a turnip when you can have the real thing, right?