doubleppk | Nightmares

Nightmares, the opposite of dreams? Pardon me while I wax philosophic.

Everyone gets nightmares sometimes, the kind of thing that wakes you up out of an otherwise sound sleep with an overwhelming feeling of terror and makes you wish to never go to sleep again. Supposedly while we sleep our brain's have to digest the events of the day and to keep things going we dream. But when dreams turn to nightmares what relief does the solitary dreamer have in such a world where reality means nothing and control is already too far lost. Despite the supposed methods for being able to control one's dreams, I admittedly don't have the patience to practice it every night when I get nightmares so rarely.

Ever since I was little I had this nightmare about climbing a tree as high as I could go. Branches after branches. And sometimes it was thorny and I'd get cut but I'd keep climbing only to get to the top. And expecting to see all the world laid out before me instead I just found rocks and nothingness. And as soon as I started to settle in, I'd get attacked by all these crows. And even though I should normally be able to defend myself, I couldn't, so I'd start falling what seems like miles through the branches, getting cuts snaps and yet not dying, until finally I hit the rocks below. Only instead, I don't die or wake up, I just lay there... unable to move. And then along comes a um... animal...okay a wolf. shut up. and just when I think it'll help me, he sees the crows that knocked me down and basically seems to say it's my own fault and leaves me alone.

And THEN I wake up.

Anyways... I used to get that nightmare every so often for... jeez as long as I can remember. And I just got it two nights in a row now so basically... I can't sleep and I'm wondering if anyone else gets nightmares too or something or solutions. Or something.

[[ooc: 1/2 of it is a canon nightmare Fujiko mentions once to Jigen. The wolf and crows symbolism is from the show and I always that thought that was amazing. Anyways, trying something new with basically trying to have her forcibly show her weaker points in order to make her let people in more even though she's scared. The symbolism for anyone wishing to analyze is that she tries to climb the ladder of success and makes it to the top, but finds it's not to her expectations and it sucks, and then her own foibles and annoying aspects (the crows) knock her down. The wolf both represents herself and Lupin. It's the things she considers good about herself but that abandons her too when it sees basically she brought it upon herself and says symbolically, "you are the crows, that's all there is to you." Only the bad stuff, not the good. Fear of abandonement, fear of failing herself, fear of lovers not staying when she needs them because she's the one that fucked up, etc. Sorry if this annoying :| Just an attempt to show off her scared-side but still IC. fingers crossed for it working~]]

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I think he's more complex than he appears.
Oh, well it's about my brother Josuha, I dream about the night he was taken away.

Yeah? Honestly, I'm not sure I'd know the difference between the devil and a god anymore...

Taken how?

Both were fighting each other in my world, heaven and hell can be easily mixed up in some situations.

By a demon. I wanted to help him but couldn't, so I guess the nightmare is because of how I felt helpless then.

Hum. Really? I always thought that was just me. You ever have that problem too? Even though you're a nun and fight demons all the time and stuff?

Hn. I'm sorry.

So the nightmare is sort of more of a flashback or a memory?

As a nun I found out that there are some good demons just like people, so it really confused me. I started doubting that hell and heaven are that simple because of that.
Yeah, I have more bad memories than current fears I suppose.

Yeah. Sounds about right for me too. Things are never really black and white are they? Very gray.

Hmm. I think if I really look back... at first glance things seem really bad for memories you know? But then it's like all the nicer ones sort of sift to the surface. And I guess maybe I'm afraid sometimes that the nice stuff will never last and it'll turn bad again.

Gray is the right word, yes.
I know how you feel, I'm trying to hold onto good things in fear they will go away as well.

Yeah. It reminds me of a song.

"Shades of gray, wherever I go. The more I find out the less that I know. Black and white weren't so easy for me. But shades of gray are the colors I see."

Hn. Do they... can they ever stay? Or will the nightmares come back in the end only stronger and worse than ever?

They can stay, if you hold onto them hard enough, and if you have them then it can help you cope with the nightmares as well.

I hope so, Rosette. I really hope so.

Any specific things you hold onto that help? I could use all the ideas I could get right now.

You should believe so, really!
I hold onto my good memories, all the friends I had in my world.

heh I don't know that I can take leap?

I'm glad that helps you but... I don't really know that will help me? I never really had friends before. But I guess not all my memories of Lupin are bad? It't just... the ones that aren't bad are confusing.

But you havr friends now right? you can hold onto that.

I don't really keep friends...

In my world... having a friend meant having someone who knew you well enough to be the only one who could kill you.

I think I'd rather be lonely than get hurt like that. ~~again~~.

Really? that's sad. That way you can't trust anyone.

You really... shouldn't trust anyone. People are horrible. Seems like they're always waiting until your back is turned to take advantage.

I never thought that way, I guess it's a little naive. But Chrono was willing to die for me, and I was willing to die for him. Maybe this kind of friendship is rare.

I dunno... I was... willing to die for Lupin... just not willing to let him be the one to kill me. Does that make any sense?

And... maybe I AM being lured into a false sense of security just so it can get taken from me but this world seems different more than just in geography. And MAYBE people here aren't the same. I mean... they are a lot different. But maybe different in that way too. I don't.

That does make sense, it makes me miss Chrono. He..was willing for me to kill him when I was not in my right mind.
I don't think you are lured, I think this world is very different from everything else I have seen in the past, it's almost like getting a second chance at everything.

That's.... very loyal. You must have really been close.

Yeah... I... I thought that too for a while. And a lot of people do seem to get a chance here... But . . . do you really think it could be?

His life force was mine, we shared everything.
I believe you can find the same kind of bond here, even if your old world conviced you not to trust people.

Oh. And now that he's gone...?

Um... Thanks... I mean... we'll see... I'm not so sure... but... some... maybe.

Our life span at that world ended, another began here for me, but I feel lost I suppose.

Oh. That definitely seems to happen a lot for the people who come here. Shit. Makes me worried I died too or something. But you know you died right? So if I died... I'd know it?

Well people tell me that sometimes it's like like people are magnets to each other. Maybe you'll find him again if you stay here long enough.

I know I died because I had a lifespan clock, but I think you would have known if you died.
I hope so, I miss Chrono very much.

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doubleppk - 2009-04-18 21:26 (UTC) - Expand