doubleppk | HAHA SUCK IT FATE!

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HAHA SUCK IT FATE!

Okay so 3rd Friday the 13th this year. Pretty damn scary. But I survived! And no getting sucked into mirrors or ANYTHING! Not only that but we found Haru!! ~~Creepy disturbing cube aside...~~ And best of all I got all my remaining paintings sold! SO HA! Take THAT Fate! Can't touch this!

Reborn you're going to be so proud of me! I got the best price ever for them! YAY! It's a great REALLY long term investment. Ready!? I got land on the moon! Fairy Vearth! Entire countries worth! This will be worth BUNDLES in no time!

I kept the wolf painting though. I hung that up in the hall near the greenhouse door. ~~And the pirate one I'm giving to Sanji and Summer Breeze to Robin.... But aside from that!~~

Oh and Lucci darling, thanks for the help looking. We couldn't have done it without you... so... Thanks.

ONTO BIGGER AND BETTER THINGS! Mwahahaha!

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...

...love triangle.

Mm. What happened?

Lucci...confessed his love for me.

And. I. Have feelings for him too.

And Usopp knows.

Sounds sticky honey.

I take it Usopp is jealous? And you weren't hoping to make him jealous then?

...sticky is one way to put it.

I think Usopp is more...heartbroken than jealous at this point.

And Lucci is upset and in physical pain from all this shit and telling me that he doesn't want me to have feelings for him anymore.

...I don't know.

In physical pain? Lucci is?

Look if people could control who they loved and how much, I very much doubt anyone would fall in love... ever. Period. Because it's painful. It means opening up a part you thought was safe and letting someone trash the place if they feel like it.

Usopp probably feels like crap because well I kind of worry about his self-esteem so being compared to Lucci makes him feel ten million different kinds of inadequacies that he can't measure up to. If you aren't leaving Usopp then I suggest telling Usopp all the reasons you love him. Or as many you can think of that aren't ridiculously embarrassing to say. And stop at a hundred fifty if you have that many because after that you'll never get a chance to tell them all.

And Lucci... I have no idea how deeply it runs. For you or him.

There's a sort of yardstick I hold men by. I don't want to, you know? Because it's a shitty thing to do. They don't know it and I'm not about to tell them. And in my world... Things were a lot different as you know. People mostly. I can't say this is true for anyone but me but it always has been. I like... the idea of only one person. One person I can just unleash everything I'm feeling and he can actually handle it without breaking or running away. So any guy I would consider dating, he has to be better than that yardstick because otherwise, it's not worth the time and hassle and all the fuss. I don't know if you get what I'm saying but basically, I believe you love Usopp a lot. And I believe you love Lucci a lot. But I think if you loved either of them just at... burning levels where they invade your thoughts no matter how much you run away, where you don't want to love them and can't fucking help it because they keep doing things that just... make you... then you'd have your answer.

And George? I suspect you do. No one wants to get hurt but if you try to look out for both of them at the same time all three of you will get more hurt. You have to protect yourself and then protect either or both. Do you know what you want from this? From five months from now if you had a daydream perfect scenario, how would you like it to look like?

...that's what he said.

Please don't tell him that I told you any of this. Please.

I...I never really saw myself ever falling in love. Back home it was impossible. I wasn't supposed to get involved with the living, and every time I did it ended really badly, but...here is different. Nobody cares that I am what I am and I have people I care about here and who care about me and...I never thought I would have this.

And then Usopp came along and he's...sweet and shy and I feel like I'm just a normal teenage girl when I'm with him. Like I'm alive and there's something good in the future to look forward to. And then he told me he loved me and...I didn't know how to deal with it. It's not going to end well no matter how you look at it. He seems like the kind of guy that should settle down with a girl somewhere and have a family and...he needs someone he can grow old with. And that's not me. So I really hesitated to tell him that I loved him back. Because I'm not right for him.

But Lucci helped me through it and convinced me to take advantage of a situation in which I might actually be happy while I have the chance. Yeah, this isn't going to last forever. Eventually you all will die and I'll watch you all do it, as Robin was so kind to remind me yesterday. But I have to enjoy now while I can. A year or two of happiness is...hopefully...worth the pain it will cause in the end. So I told him I loved him. And we hit a rough patch because he's a teenage boy and he's never been in a relationship before, but we worked through it and on Halloween we slept together for the first time and it was...wonderful. He held me on the dance floor and I was happier than I've ever been.

But somewhere along the line...I don't know. Lucci. He's...my best friend. He knows me better than anyone else, Usopp included. Usopp...he's...I don't want to say fragile because that sounds like a negative thing...he's just...sensitive. And I don't want him to have to deal with that part of me that's not a normal teenage girl. I don't want him to have to know about the things I see when I go out on reaps or about the nightmares I have...I don't want to put those things in his head. If he's thinking about that then...I don't know. It ruins the illusion that I'm just a normal person having a normal relationship.

But Lucci understands that part of me. He comes with me on my reaps and is there for me when things are stupid and difficult and when they're funny and understands when watching people die becomes a routine and isn't really horrifying at all anymore. He's...tall and dark and handsome and intense and...he knows me. And loves me anyway.

I don't have an answer. I already chose Usopp because I care about him and I can't hurt him like that...I can't leave him for someone else, especially someone he considers a friend. And I don't want to. Usopp makes me happy. But I want Lucci. He's become just as important to me as Usopp is and I don't want to push him away.

I don't know what the perfect scenario is anymore. Usopp is really upset and I don't know what he's thinking and Lucci is at the point where I'm afraid he might just...leave. I don't want to lose either of them.

If you really love Usopp that much I hate to say it but I don't think you can stay with him. What you're looking for with him is an illusion that you're normal. That he's normal. That "this" is how it's all supposed to be. But it will always be an illusion if you leave it like that. If you have to protect him from the real you then he can't handle all that IS you. He IS a great guy, I'm not going to lie. And I think with all his "nakama" he can land on his feet over this. But you can't stay with him living an illusion if you love him because it will hurt you both in the end. You might not resent it yet but someone who would rather have the masks than the real you? That's not someone you can stay with without hurting them. A LOT more deeply than you already are. Because the more you love someone the more accidental trust happens. And eventually you'll forget to have the perfect mask up at the right time and he'll start to see things and feel betrayed that you wouldn't show it to him earlier. Ever hear Billy Joel's song "The Stranger?"

Maybe Usopp is better equipped to handle those things than he um... first seems. ~~or even after months seems.~~ You'd know better than me. But if you've been dating all these months and still don't think so, then you really... just CANNOT stay with him. You'll pretty much break him worse than leaving. And I've broken men before. It's not a pretty sight.

Lucci is... strong. And grounded. And... I don't want to take "sides" because Usopp is a great guy and all the rest but I do... pretty much have to admit that Lucci is... more likely to appreciate you fully. Especially since like you said, you feel like you have to protect Usopp from part of who you are. And you can't do that with someone you love. The more they love you the more they'll want of you. And you're the kind of girl people like for being so real. Authentic. Saying what's on your mind, upfront and out in the open, no fear of reprecussions. So to hide such a huge part of yourself from Usopp... I think he'd be happier in the long run if you let him go. And I've seen the difference in the effect you've had on Lucci. He's a lot more drastically happy or depressed from you than Usopp. Not because Usopp cares less, just... I don't think he needs you as much as Lucci does. I know, that's bad to say too but it's true.

Hey George if I told you I had a crush on both of them too myself. And that I was going to steal whichever of them you don't take, who do you feel most jealous over first? Whose was the first face that flickered to mind as being more painful to watch that happen?

...Usopp has said that he wants to know that part of me. But...I don't know. I don't even know if I should try because it would end up hurting both of us if he...I don't know. I'm afraid that he'll hate that part of me or...be afraid of me or something. He was afraid of me when we first met. I mean...I trust that he cares about me, but...I don't know.

Who on the world would ever have thought that Lucci would ever be the one that someone would say fits together with someone better. But...I see where you're coming from. And I've been thinking those things too, which is the reason I haven't just let this drop and tried to get over him.

...Lucci. But part of that might just be because I think he'd be the one you'd be more likely to want.

This sucks.

I personally wouldn't be more likely to want Lucci. Usopp I could control. Lucci and I... I don't think we could stay on the same ship for a month without trying to kill each other at least once every other week. Probably more. And I don't really like bites that make me bleed.
I think your reflex gives you your answer.

Hm. Are you staying with Usopp because you're afraid of hurting him or afraid of leaving him in case Lucci turns out to be a big mistake? Because those are... reasons to leave too. Unfortunately. And even if it doesn't seem like it, it'd be for both your sakes. You can't...
Usopp is in the crew of one of the strongest pirates in the world. If you feel he can't protect himself or that he's not strong enough or just... READY for it; on even just emotional things, there's something wrong with the relationship. Whether it was you and him or someone else with him, that relationship is doomed.

I agree with Lucci and Robin that since we are likely to die before you you should just take as much happiness as you can get. I try to do that for myself because with my lifestyle I don't even know how I'm alive now. But the more you talk about being with Usopp the more it sounds like you're not staying because it's what you have the most fun with but because it's "safest", because you already know what you're getting from him and there's no dangerous surprises. But you can don't do that with love. Love isn't perfect, it's a ton of dangerous surprises that will get you hurt no matter what road you take and it's a lot of paths that would get someone killed. If anything, the riskier the love, the more intense it'll be and that will just make you want them more.

You can try to stay with Usopp but I think you aleady feel it's doomed. And I think he probably suspects it too. Maybe if you really start showing him... everything then maybe he really could handle it but... hn. I don't think he wants the end. He just wants you without understanding what that's getting into. And you seem to have a lot more reasons not to keep it going than to try to make it work. And if the relationship is going to be almost a chore, you might as well cut him loose because dragging this out when you can't forget about Lucci, when you secretly want Lucci more, that'll hurt him a LOT worse than a clean break. At least if you do it now he can start figuring out where to go from here. He's sad now but give 3 months of dragging this out when you're thinking about Lucci... he'd be miserable, YOU'D be miserable. And what's the point? Relationships should make people happier. They don't always but if they're working right, they should. At least a break up now gives him a chance that 3 months from now he'll be healed and so will you.

And if any of you or any combination of you need a vacation from the ship to get some space to the think, the sub is an open option. <3

...well. I guess I have...a lot of thinking to do.

Good luck either way.

Love never comes easily. And the tangles unravel even less easily.

I might take you up on that offer to visit. Maybe. I just need a little time.

No problem. Robin and Lucci both have their own rooms here still but I can set you something up easy. Just let me know if anyone else is coming.

I...for now it's just me. And I'm not 100% sure I'm coming.

Well if you want to, it's open.

Thank you.

Any time honey.

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